My dad asked me something like "How do you feel about this phase of your life that you're entering?"

And in that moment, I simply did not understand what that question meant. This feeling of confusion was all encompassing and total in a way that when I look back on that moment makes me feel idiotic.

Looking back on it now, I understand what the question means *to me* but had no idea what it meant to him.

And I think it's foolish to simply answer questions based on how *you* understand them, especially when they seem to be a question as "lofty" or personal as that one. When I hear a question like that come out of my father's mouth I think about how *he* understands it. I prepare an answer based off of his understanding, not mine.

I think part of my repulsion to the question is based on the fact that I'm 46 and the idea of entering into a "new phase," to most people, would seem somewhat ridiculous. We can be entering into new jobs, or moving to new places or losing a close loved one or other such major life events, but these are not "phases." Perhaps someone could dismiss it as a poor choice of words from my father, but I simply cannot think of a substitution for that word that would have worked in the circumstances of the conversation we were having.

For context of those circumstances, I see my father rarely, perhaps once every other month, when he comes to my house to help with yard work. We had just finished the yard work for the day and were relaxing and "pontificating" on various matters as me and my father have the ability to do with each other.

So I don't think I misunderstood the context.

To me, it speaks to a certain juvenile sense of mind. If one is still entering into "new phases" of their life then that person believes that they still have not "arrived." I'm familiar with this feeling because a part of me desperately sought to cling to that feeling as long as I possibly could, as I feel many, if not most of us, try to do.

And I have not met a person, to this day, who hasn't CONSCIOUSLY utilized this "mystique" to dodge responsibility for the most critical, humanist missteps, errors and catastrophes that they commit or incur upon the world. In fact, at age 46, I know all of my peers - family, friends, professionals - 100% use this "cognitive dissonance" to gaslight and manipulate the people around them - their supposed loved ones - for the smallest of reasons to control the smallest of details. And never apologize, never adjust course, always double, triple, quadruple down.

There's some line from some movie spoken by Alec Baldwin that goes "Always be closing." By a human's late 30s to early 40s, a typical modern person's mantra shall be "Always be doubling down."

And I don't think I'm necessarily exempt from this.

My cursor just changed. Ohp, there it is. I had pressed the "insert" button.

I don't know. I had a different idea of where I was going to go with this when I started writing it. It didn't turn out how I thought it would. It ended up seeming extremely literal and I think most people would read this and think of it as too cynical or think that I am depressed. Maybe both are true. Maybe I can look back on this later on and feel completely distant from this frame of mind. I genuinely hope so.

Perhaps someone more generous than I would say that meant that I have entered into a new "phase" of my life. But I don't think that would be accurate. "Frame of mind" might be more accurate.